Home
by Kristen APA
Summary: [SPOILERS THROUGH S5E8] Anna ponders about home and hope (don't worry, I have resolved things!)


**A/N:** S5E8 compliant and thus spoilers. Introspection mostly because that's what I tend to write lately, that is if I write at all…

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Downton Abbey_. If I did, I wouldn't have to write this fanfic.

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><p><em>Home<em>. _You are at home._

She had to remind herself that that was were she was, as she blinked back sleep, sitting in the rocking chair by the fireplace, feeling dozy. Her mind was wandering in her semi-awake state. She set down the teacup in her hands on the small table, her fingers now free to twist her wedding ring, the gold band glinting in the glow of hearth's light. A habit of hers when she was nervous.

It had felt terribly wrong, those weeks she wasn't allowed to wear it, the bareness a constant ache. Now it was another memory she had to push from her mind. There was getting to be too many periods of her life where she had to do that.

But there was hope now. After so many tragedies, after so much trauma, there was a light in the darkness. Something she wanted to believe in so much.

Anna had always been the optimist in their relationship, the one who saw the possibilities in the problems. Perhaps then it had been fitting, that there was something good hidden among the bad. She hadn't paid any heed to the nausea – not in those dire circumstances. They had thought all their dreams had been squashed again, perhaps this time once and for all. But one dream just hadn't made itself known yet.

When she first arrived back at the cottage after the ordeal (a tame way of putting it), she all but collapsed from the relief, but more so the tiredness of the whole thing. Lady Mary told her she didn't need to come back to work until she was ready; there wasn't any rush. And Anna was glad of that, a whole week of sleeping in and waking up natural. Experience told her that it was going to take more than just rest to regain some sense of normalcy. It took time. But as always, God had other plans for her. She was so frail and couldn't keep the food down Mrs. Patmore had sent over. John insisted that she see Dr. Clarkson, and after more than two years after that horrible night, she finally agreed to.

Her husband was so worried about her; he always was, but especially now. He had felt horrible, promising her safety when it was out of his control. He blamed himself, and no matter what she said in a feeble attempt to dissuade him of that belief. She hated to be pitied, to be coddled, but she had let him mother hen her since her return, allowing his over-protective hovering. It gave him purpose, and gave him an opportunity to make up for what he felt was past sins. She hated that he beat himself up over it, calling himself a failure. To her though, he was her hero. And she knew, deep down, that his care was what her fragile state had needed. Every one of his actions was out of the most reverent love, and she took great comfort in it.

What was different this time is that she wasn't hesitant to touch, a small blessing. She craved to be held, to clasp hands, to press her lips against his, after being denied it for those three weeks. But the overwhelming feeling of being trapped in fear – that sent her spiraling back to places her mind had fought to get away from. They had only just put the puzzle pieces back to together when they were torn apart again. Her spirit broken once more.

She was not a victim though. They would get through this, just has they were moving forward before. She was strong, they were strong. She just needed some time.

So she let him fret over her now, cherishing his care and attentiveness. She would always be so deeply grateful for his support and unwavering love. John often said that he didn't deserve her, but Anna felt that it was the other way around, knowing just how lucky she was to have him. There was one thing that always remained through all the heartbreak, and that was that the strength of their love – that was unbreakable. The world may seem against them, but through it all they had each other.

The news from Dr. Clarkson was what they had wanted so long, what they had been trying for right before their lives were turned upside down for the umpteenth time. Her heart had soared, almost not believing her ears. It was finally happening. _Congratulations, Mrs. Bates! You're six weeks pregnant._ But then her stomach had flip-flopped as the doctor's words sank in, this time for reasons of anxiety, knowing now she had been in this condition while in that dingy cell. She felt has if she had already exposed her child to the horrors of the world, things she wanted to protect them from as fiercely as she could. She understood exactly how guilty her husband felt when he couldn't shield her. And if John hadn't been able to carry out his own investigation, much like she had for him in the past (it seemed surreal that they had been through this before in reversed roles), she would still be there, and the thought of their most fervent wish coming true when she was forced apart from him – and in a constant state of fear and worry – turned her insides worse than the morning sickness.

That was four months ago now, the summer having turned into winter. Christmas was around the corner, the tree up in the big house, the promise of snow arriving at any day.

In the glow of the fire, her hands now came to rest on her growing bump, feeling the wiggle of their child both inside and out. She was safe now. They were safe now.

"Anna, darling, is everything all right?" John's voice broke through her reverie, as he entered the room, his own cup in hand.

She looked up him, smiling. "Yes." She then repeated the word more confidently. "Yes." Just his presence nearby helped to perk her up. The two, no _three_, of them together.

He returned her grin, leaning down to catch her lips with his. Things _were_ all right. At least in this moment. After everything, she had grown almost too weary to be as optimistic as she once was. Time and time again, she had wished for all the troubles to be behind them. She wanted to be normal. But she realized, once more, this was a new normal for them.

The timing wasn't perfect but it never was with them. It would have been better to settle back in and readjust. But just as before, she had to continue moving forward. This is how it was. Too many changes coming at once. But change was part of life, and change was necessary for them to reach their dreams. But they were doing it all _together_, and that was what mattered.

"I spoke with Mr. Carson today about the property," John said, settling down into the other chair. "He thinks that it's a very good deal. And it's nearby theirs, which I think would make Mrs. Hughes very happy." He all but winked.

"Well, they will make terrific neighbors," Anna said with a bit of a chuckle. "In all honesty, I think that would work out perfectly."

He beamed, knowing just how much of a mother Downton's housekeeper was to his wife, and how much they'd love for her and the butler to be grandparents to their own daughter or son. "They'll have to retire at some point for it happen, though."

They laughed together now. Soon enough 'home' wasn't going to be this cottage. It would be the small hotel they had dreamed of, with the family they had longed for. They never were able to foresee any set backs, but they would continue forth, just as they must. As she giggled, Anna realized, now looking into her husband's eyes, that 'home' wasn't a place, more that it was a person. Her mother used to say that home was where the heart was, and was with John.

She got up from her seat, now misty eyed, and positioned herself in his lap, putting her growing weight on his good leg. He set his cup to the side, the china joining hers. Once his hands were free, she took them and placed them on the swell of her abdomen, although his were already heading there of their accord. The baby kicked, making its presence known, the strong symbol of all they shared between them.

He pressed his head against her back. "I love you," he stated simply, but three words conveyed so much emotion all the same.

"I love you too, John."

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><p><strong>AN:** This is not what I foresee happening per se in the CS, nor really exactly how I want Baby Bates to come about, but this idea got planted in my head and I needed to get it out. I feel like it's kinda mess, but I just need Anna back at home, if only it's in my head until Christmas.


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